How do you develop active listening skills?
One of the skills a leader has to develop is active listening.
How many times have you heard yourself saying “Yes” and “No” in all the right places without properly taking in what is being said to you?
Is this really listening, or have you just heard what someone has said?
Listening is one of the most important skills you can develop because it has a major impact on your effectiveness and on the quality of your relationships with others.
We listen to obtain information.
We listen to understand.
We listen for enjoyment.
We listen to learn.
Given all the listening we do, you’d think we would all be good at it!
In fact, most of us are not, and research suggests that we remember between 25 per cent and 50 per cent of what we hear. That means that when you talk to your boss, colleagues, customers or spouse for 10 minutes, they pay attention to less than half the conversation.
How does that make you feel?
Turn it around, and it reveals that when you are receiving directions or are being presented with information, you aren’t hearing the whole message either. You hope the important parts are captured in your 25-50 per cent, but what if they are not?
The way to improve your listening skills is to practice active listening. This is where you make a conscious effort to hear the words that another person is saying to you and understand the deeper message being conveyed. In order to do this, you must pay attention to the other person very carefully. You cannot allow yourself to become distracted by whatever else may be going on around you, and you cannot get immersed in forming counter-arguments you want to make when the other person stops speaking. You also cannot allow yourself to get bored and lose focus on what the other person is saying. All of these contribute to a lack of understanding.
Building trust through active listening
Listening is a skill that needs to be learnt and developed, and the only way you can do this is with daily practice. I suggest that you make copious notes during one-on-one sessions so you can refer back to details in the conversation. This allows you to explore their thoughts and feelings through further questioning, so you understand what specific words and statements mean to them.
Some of the questions you could ask are:
Tell me what you mean by X.
Give me an example of what that X looks, feels and sounds like.
How will you know when you have X?
Listening is a vital skill in facilitating this process.
By listening carefully, you demonstrate that you are genuinely interested in what the other person has to say and that you can hear the deeper message they are sending you. When it comes to talking about values, you can share with your team member when their interpretation of a value matches yours; however, it is important that you do not try to push your interpretation of a value onto them. Instead, thank them for sharing their views and make sure you remember their interpretation for future conversations. During a one-to-one session, it is important that your team member feels able to express or vent their emotions to you in order to process their negative feelings and get to a place where they are ready to be positive again. Holding on to negative emotions can be destructive for individuals as well as those around them, which is why it’s good to build a strong open, honest and trusting relationship with your team through active listening.
Remember, as the leader of your team, you need to be completely non-judgemental and impartial; otherwise, your team will not feel able to talk to you.
How to engage in active listening
There are five key active listening techniques, all of which help you to ensure that you hear what the other person is saying and that the other person knows you are hearing them.
1: Pay Attention Give the speaker your undivided attention and acknowledge what they say. Recognise their nonverbal communication as well the words they say. Look at them when they are talking, set aside any distracting thoughts you have, don’t mentally prepare a response and avoid being distracted by environmental factors such as conversations that are going on around you.
2: Show you are listening Use your own body language and gestures to convey that you are listening by nodding occasionally, smiling and use other facial expressions. Make a note of your posture and make sure it is open and inviting and encourage the speaker to keep talking by using small verbal comments like “yes”, “okay” and “uh-huh”.
3: Provide feedback Our personal filters, assumptions, judgments and beliefs can distort what we hear. As a listener, your role is to understand what is being said. This may require you to ask questions. Reflect what is being said by paraphrasing, e.g. “what I am hearing is” and “it sounds like you are saying”. Ask questions to clarify certain points, e.g. “what do you mean when you say…?” and periodically summarise the speaker’s comments to check you have understood correctly.
4: Defer judgment Interrupting is a waste of time. It frustrates the speaker and limits your full understanding of the message. Allow the speaker to finish each point before asking questions and don’t interrupt with counter-arguments.
5: Respond appropriately Active listening is a model for respect and understanding. You are gaining information and perspective. You add nothing by attacking the speaker or otherwise putting him or her down. Be open and honest in your response, assert your opinions respectfully and treat the other person in a way that you think he or she would want to be treated.
It takes a lot of concentration and determination to be an active listener. Old habits are hard to break, and if your listening skills are not well-developed like many people’s, you will need to work hard to develop the necessary skills. If you find yourself responding emotionally to what someone says to you, say so and ask for more information e.g. “Maybe I’m not understanding you correctly, but I find myself taking what you said personally. What I thought you said is xxxx; is that what you meant?”
Be deliberate with your listening and remind yourself that your goal is to truly hear what the other person is saying. Set aside all other thoughts and concentrate on the message. Ask questions, reflect and paraphrase to ensure you understand what is being said. If you don’t, you’ll find there is a big difference between what someone says to you and what you hear. Listening is a skill that we can all benefit from improving. By becoming a better listener, you will improve your productivity as well as your ability to influence, persuade and negotiate. What’s more, you will avoid conflict and misunderstanding. All of these are necessary for building trust and workplace success.
Top tips for effective active listening
If you’re finding it difficult to concentrate on what someone is saying, try repeating their words mentally to yourself or write them down. This will reinforce the message and help you stay focused.
Use body language and other signs to show you are listening. A simple nod of the head will remind you to pay attention and not let your mind wander.
Try to respond to the speaker in a way that will encourage him or her to continue speaking so that you can get the information you need. Questioning and recapping what has been said also communicates that you understand what you are being told.
Of course, when messages are communicated to us verbally, if we listen, we will know what is being said to us. However, a great deal of information is non-verbal, conveyed through tone of voice or is contained in what is not said. By understanding the Iceberg Model, you will be able to discern some of the less obvious messages that are being conveyed.